Double trouble?!

As adviced, I want to write some things out of my head..

One of the most visual memories of my childhood was that I wasn't able to shower after P.E. but my mom couldn't write me a letter (because her Dutch isn't that good..) for school and at that time I didn't knew myself how to write shower in Dutch (douchen) so I asked my sister if she would be so kind to write it for me. And all she could scream at me was "why the hell should i write it for you, fuck off and write it yourself". So at the end of the day, ofcourse no letter and I had to shower after all..

This is a clear summary how my relation was with my sister and myself when we're younger. To be honest, I don't have a lot of memories of us together, because most of the time we just weren't together. In Dutch we have a saying "a apple doesnt fall far from its tree" but it seems that we're apple and pear. Im not sure what caused this difference, when we're younger I just kinda liked my own company. I'd hang out alot with my mom and dad, because yeah they kind awesome. But I never really hanged out with her..

When we grew older, she moved out of our parental house rather fast and I'd stayed with my parents. I sometimes feel that I had to, somebody have to help them with their administration and everything they didn't understand. It felt like my duty, because she wasn't there anymore to help out.

So she never really was my rolemodel to start with. I went to high-school, she chilled hardcore. I went to university she still chilled out. Somewhere along the road, our roles changed. I challenged myself to go to the fullest, she well.. she didnt.. And with pain in my heart I was only a witness of her life. I'm sure she isn't living the life she was expected to, but she is progressing I guess. She's almost 30, and I had so much more in mind for her. Like she says she isn't living her life for me, but all the expectations I ever had, where for her. And only for her, because why wouldn't you want the best for your own sibbling?

Everything I do, is because I don't want to end up like her.. Because I do want to achieve everything and then some.. Because I'm afraid, that when I'll look back I'll regret too much.. Because life is just too short to live one you don't like...

It's a sad story in the end, but I always have the feeling that time will learn and that even with time everything will land on its feets..

xoxo little J

Focus

Do you ever have the feeling that life has something special for you, that you were meant for something bigger, that it is a fact rather then an opinion that you will make it in life?

Almost without shame, I can tell you that this comes to my mind almost everyday. Why would you be satisfied with ANYTHING less than the MOST you can achieve? Why would you be satisfied with the life you have now, while you can work harder to reach further, to achieve more.. At the same time I have to admit that this wasn't always the case for me. A couple of years, perhaps no more than two, I was walking trough life without a goal. I was having ideas in my mind about what I wanted from life, but things just didn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I was wining and complaining, not in public or something - just inside my mind, why didn't the international ambition that I had (and have) represent my actual life?

But then it just struck me in the face, it has no friggin use to just focuss your mind on all the things you don't have. Nothing is gonna change by it. The only thing you should take out from it, is WHAT DO YOU WANT?  Towards what goal do you wanna work, and with work I mean work hard. If you wanna get eveyrthing out of life you have to chase opportunities, they won't just ring the door and present themself! People won't notice you, when you're just sitting on the beach wasting money on stupidity and complaining about your life. When you're out in the world, life itself combined with ambition and perseverance then and ONLY  then, opportunities will come down into your life like rain onto Dutch surface..

At this moment in life, I'm so focused. I have to admit, then almost every day I picture another future for myself, but I'm focused because I know, one day, one day ahead a special thing will arise in my life just because I worked my ass off for it because I want to make something awesome with my life. e

Your life start with everything between your own ears. You have so much controll on your own life so just stop complaining if your life isn't working out at the moment, DO something about it..

xoxo J