Double trouble?!

As adviced, I want to write some things out of my head..

One of the most visual memories of my childhood was that I wasn't able to shower after P.E. but my mom couldn't write me a letter (because her Dutch isn't that good..) for school and at that time I didn't knew myself how to write shower in Dutch (douchen) so I asked my sister if she would be so kind to write it for me. And all she could scream at me was "why the hell should i write it for you, fuck off and write it yourself". So at the end of the day, ofcourse no letter and I had to shower after all..

This is a clear summary how my relation was with my sister and myself when we're younger. To be honest, I don't have a lot of memories of us together, because most of the time we just weren't together. In Dutch we have a saying "a apple doesnt fall far from its tree" but it seems that we're apple and pear. Im not sure what caused this difference, when we're younger I just kinda liked my own company. I'd hang out alot with my mom and dad, because yeah they kind awesome. But I never really hanged out with her..

When we grew older, she moved out of our parental house rather fast and I'd stayed with my parents. I sometimes feel that I had to, somebody have to help them with their administration and everything they didn't understand. It felt like my duty, because she wasn't there anymore to help out.

So she never really was my rolemodel to start with. I went to high-school, she chilled hardcore. I went to university she still chilled out. Somewhere along the road, our roles changed. I challenged myself to go to the fullest, she well.. she didnt.. And with pain in my heart I was only a witness of her life. I'm sure she isn't living the life she was expected to, but she is progressing I guess. She's almost 30, and I had so much more in mind for her. Like she says she isn't living her life for me, but all the expectations I ever had, where for her. And only for her, because why wouldn't you want the best for your own sibbling?

Everything I do, is because I don't want to end up like her.. Because I do want to achieve everything and then some.. Because I'm afraid, that when I'll look back I'll regret too much.. Because life is just too short to live one you don't like...

It's a sad story in the end, but I always have the feeling that time will learn and that even with time everything will land on its feets..

xoxo little J